Why decisiveness reads as "difficult" on you, and the three moves that change the read
For two decades, this same counsel has barely changed. When a firm decision comes from you and gets described as "difficult," the instinct is to blunt its edges. Smile more. Lead with "I could be mistaken, but" and thank everyone for bearing with you. Wrap the hard decision in enough warmth that no one registers you made it. Mentors call this reading the room, and they offer it with good intentions.
Padding a request does not reduce the backlash it draws. It reinforces the assumption that your authority needs an apology, and it strips away the clarity that made the decision right to begin with.
First That cost follows you as a person, so adjusting your phrasing won't alter what it charges you.
Research on the likability penalty has repeatedly shown that an identical request sounds assertive from a man and demanding from a woman. Identical is the operative word. The wording was the same. Identical responses diverged depending on who spoke them. Adjusting your delivery targets a factor the research says makes no difference, while leaving alone the one that does.
Second Gentle requests have already been tested across enormous numbers of people.
Kray, Kennedy and Lee of Berkeley Haas reported in 2023 that 54% of women bargained over their latest job offer, versus 44% of men, yet the women still came away earning less. Women are not failing to ask. They ask, often with great care, and still pay for it. If politeness corrected the read, that gap would have narrowed long ago.
Third Hedging your language makes the next negotiation harder to win.
Each "I could be mistaken" becomes part of your permanent record. By the time the next tough decision lands, colleagues already expect you to qualify everything and interpret your new call accordingly. A man who made the same call without the hedge is now "decisive," while you come across as "unsure." You have paid the penalty twice: once for being a woman, and once for the cushion you added to avoid being penalized for it.
Where the old advice still holds true
Warmth is a genuine asset, and many of the women leading organizations across the Triad have it in abundance. The error lies in viewing warmth as a reduction in authority rather than as an independent asset. Be kind. Be clear. Choosing one doesn't require giving up the other.
Other options worth considering
Tie the choice to a benchmark everyone already accepts. "We have a policy against shipping without the security review, and this release never received one." At that point, the group stops arguing with you. They are now arguing over the policy itself, and policies seldom get dismissed as difficult.
Start by getting it down on paper. When a choice is circulated in writing along with its justification, people receive it as procedure. Delivered face to face, that identical choice tends to be heard as a matter of temperament. Circulate the written memo first, then convene the meeting to talk it through, so the document carries the firmness for you.
Raise the price of the situation before someone else does. "This will frustrate the vendor, and I'm making the call anyway because of our audit exposure." You have named the "difficult" before it can be turned against you, and tied it to a reason. Presenting your rationale is what people tend to take for granted from assertive men. Offer yours out loud.
Which decision are you currently diluting that you would state outright if you were confident the room would interpret it as leadership?